Let us holdfast to the confession of our HOPE without wavering, because HE who promised is faithful.
I have written a little about how hard 2017 was. And, I hate to make resolutions and look to the New Year as a new start. Honestly, resolutions makes me cringe. I have always just wanted to start over and get going whenever I feel it’s necessary and not wait for a magic time, or put off something because it will somehow be easier when the calendar turns over. But, here I go…maybe I am turning over a new leaf, or maybe I’m just getting old; I did turn 40 in 2017!
I have been singing in church since…well, I am not even sure. The first time was in a play with the kid’s choir; I think I was 10ish. It was a cute little play about grace, and I sang my little heart out (my first solo) about how she (grace) “was alive and well and living in our town.” I remember every single word of that song. But, mostly I remember how I felt when I sang it. It may have been just a silly little kid’s play but the words of that song found a place in my heart and I knew I was made to sing, to praise, and worship.
I went on to sing in youth choir, and on our youth praise and worship team. I went to fine arts competitions and sang in the choir at school. And, then I grew up and got to sing in the big church choir and on the big church praise team and worship team too. My love for singing transformed into a genuine love for leading people in worship. It is a humbling experience to be able to lead others into worship while doing it yourself.
I have never felt so close to God as I do while I am worshipping my heart out. I feel a closeness that I find myself longing for when I go about my day to day. So much that I usually listen to worship music and play it over and over in my head, and my house, and my car, and my office as I go throughout the day 🙂
Music makes my soul breathe.
And then it didn’t.
I found myself struggling to sing the words to anything. I stopped listening to music almost all together. Certain songs that I once loved to hear, and spoke life to my heart made me feel bitter and alone. I wasn’t singing anything anymore and it made my heart ache. I found myself lost in worship at church.
Not in a good way.
I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t say the words, let alone sing them. Sometimes the words would make me cry and long for the time that was before this time. Sometimes the words would make me angry and want to run out of the room. I did…twice. I felt utterly and completely alone in an area of my life where I once found refuge and home.
And, it hurt. This feeling of isolation and disconnection from a source that had once been a lifeline was painful. Confusion added to the pain because a place of safety had started to feel dangerous to me. And, honestly A LOT of places last year felt dangerous and scary…
2017 was such a year of extremes. The highest highs (did I tell you we went to Scotland!!!) and some pretty low lows. But, lately I have been reminded of a truth. A truth that has been alluding me or I had been ignoring (I do that sometimes). Maybe, what I should write is…I was just hit over the head with a longstanding truth!
I was/is/will NEVER be disconnected from THE SOURCE who is/was/will ALWAYS be my LIFELINE.
Sure, I can be distracted by life, and feelings, and circumstances. My family can feel out of touch because of opposition and battle. My marriage can take work and my parenting can challenge me in ways I never imagined.
All of those things should draw me to worship Him with my life not just my song.
Worship IS what we were created for, but we were created for more than singing and songs. We were created to worship with our marriages, with our families, with our friendships, with the work of our hands, AND with our lungs. This displacement I have been feeling has opened my eyes, and ultimately my heart, to the parts of my life that were longing to be included my worship of our creator!
I am drawn to my knees and reminded that He, the one who is THE SOURCE and THE LIFELINE to my soul, is always with me. Even in the dangerous and scary places.
It urges me to worship even when my feelings are a distraction and it doesn’t look familiar. Even when it takes me a little while to process the battle I am facing and helps me realize that any fight becomes a victory when worship is my weapon.
So, my “kind of” resolution is to remind myself, and encourage you, that He promised and He is faithful. Victory is coming, whether we feel it or not. And, I hope to be found worshipping the heart out my chest without or without music.
**But, here are two…okay, three songs that may help you get started**